pardon me for venting...

I am feeling kind of lousy today. I shot 4 assignments today and don't feel like I captured anything special at all. I have been feeling this way pretty often lately, it's like I am dead creatively when I am pressing the shutter button. I really don't know what is wrong with me, and I am starting to second guess whether I really need to continue on with my chosen field. I don't think I am doing anyting that sets my photographs apart from the rest of the world, and I don't think I am trying very hard right now either. I don't think I have been able to really "get" into my work lately, and I am afraid the guys at the paper can see that as well. I don't know what is wrong, but this is the worst time for me to let myself down. I really feel like I am just looking through a box and pressing my finger randomly to get an end result that will work for my particular assignment. The thing is, when I started down this path I would stay hours on end just to get one good photograph, and I didn't take so many shots of the same thing. I was much more conservative with my exposures, and I think that my shooting digitally has a little to do with that. Don't get me wrong, I love my digital camera and I always will but there was a time when I would have three rolls to shoot an assignment for the ACU yearbook and I would have to make each frame count, because I couldn't stop and look at the histogram to check my exposure and then delete and re-shoot it if necessary. I had to know that my exposure would work without the luxury of an LCD preview. I have tried turning the preview off and shooting the same way I used to, but I always lose the willpower to keep it up and go back to looking at the screen a few minutes later. I really like being able to download and assignment or shoot minutes after I get back to my house or the office, so digital really does make my life easier, it's just that my mindset has changed in response to the convenience, and for the worse I think. It's like how using zooms instead of prime lenses makes some photographers lazy visually since they don't have to move themselves and they no longe "see" in a certain focal legnth. I used to be able to pre-visualize certain focal lengths much better myself, but now feel like things are all out of whack. Still, the problem isn't with my mode of capture as much as it is my mind and my "photographic eye", if I even have one (I am beginning to doubt I have the creativity it takes to make it in this business). I just don't see right it seems for this job. Almost every assignment I look at has major flaws in it. Why didn't I get this shot instead of that one? or Why didn't I realize I should have stepped backards and to the left or forward and to the right? I have been shooting for four years and this summer I feel like I am a beginner, it is so depressing. I read about these awesome men and women who pick up a camera at 22 just for a hobby and are making big bucks by 24, they have so much natural talent and I just can't help but be jealous. Why can't I do that, what is the difference? Am I so lazy mentally that I just don't know how to use the device in front of my face to be creative? Why does everything look so good in the viewfinder when I compose it and look likc crap on the computer screen? I look at my favorite photographers work and wish I had their sight, their vision, but no matter how hard I push myself to see the world differently when I open my eyes it all looks like it did before. I do occasinally do something right and nail a good shot or two, but it seems like even when I do something others like it is not good enough for me. I know somewhere inside of me there is a better picturel, but I sure as hell can't find it right now. If you actually read this and made it this far let me apologize to you for wasting your time. I am angry with myself and feel lost right now and couldn't figure out any better way to get it all out than to type it out of my system. Being away from my family has alot to do with my attitude right now as well. Hopefully between now and August 11th I can either figure out whether I need to keep it up or sell my camera and look for another job.