My Exploding brain!!

I am having one of those moments right now when I really want to create something or express myself in some way but I have not focus, and and unsure of what to do. So I thought I would write a little bit of the blog to help me out. I get this way every once in awhile and usually it happens in the middle of the night and I just lay there staring at my ceiling thinking of all the great things I could be doing if I would just get out of bed. I feel like my brain will explode if I don't do something. But when I get out of bed things just don't seem to work out like they did in my mind. I start to wonder if taking photos of all the doorknobs in my house was really a good idea and wonder how I came up with the idea. But sometimes, and only on rare occaisions I produce something worth keeping. Such as the time I found myself sitting in a dark room with my camera's shutter open for 30 seconds using a flashlight to "paint" the light onto some flowers I had bought Maria that day. The photos were really good, and if I hadn't lost them when my laptop hard drive crashed last year I would post them online. I guess the whole point of this has been to let someone else know that sometimes my idiotic creative urges aren't so idiotic. Maybe sometimes I just need to reach out, regardless of whether anyone else is reaching out. It's that act of trying to find a way to communicate satisfies my creative soul I guess. Does anyone else ever have these moments of cretive need? I can't be the only one.

Things have been rough lately

Lately, I have been struggling to figure out who I am and my place in the world of photojournalism. I look in the mirror and just don't know who I am or who I am supposed to be. I was talking about this with my photojournalism advisor Cade White and I think he pointed out one of my big worries: I have a family that is affected by my every decision. If I were a 22-year-old PJ student about to graduate, I would probably sell everything I own and travel south to Mexico or South America and photograph the lives of the people there and focus on the issues that concern them. If I failed, and couldn't get anyone to publish my photographs I would come home with a lot of experience and start working at a paper. But I am not a 22-year-old wonder boy or girl without any commitments. I am a 25-year-old husband and father who has to make sure I can shelter, cloth and feed three other people. I have so much more to think about, and sometimes it is overwhelming. I don't regret any of the decisions that go me to this point in my life and I enjoy my family and love them very much, they are what motivates me to keep going every day. Despite that fact, I often feel it is hard to figure out who I want to be and what type of photographer I want to become when I have others depending on me. The truth is, that I really do know who I need to become, someone they can depend on, a man who they can all lean upon and who will care for them. I guess the real struggle I face is, how do I do that and fulfill my own goals and desires at the same time.
This morning I had coffee with Cade, and he pointed out that I need to look at things with the perspective that I can find happiness wherever I am working. Even if that means I end up working in Abilene or a city near hear for a few years. As he was talking to me I keep thinking of this little plaque that my grandmother had in her house that said "Bloom where you are planted". I know I can do great work anywhere, that I can capture meaningful moments that tell people's stories in any town, in any state, or in any country. One of the things Cade mentioned to me when we had spoken yesterday was how freelancing gave me some freedom that I wouldn't really have at any other job. Right now I do have more freedom as a freelancer than I would as a staff photographer somewhere. And my work does have meaning to others, even the "grip and grin" posed shots I shoot all the time for the university have meaning to someone. They are probably on people's wall and sitting in frames on end tables, work desks and on fireplace mantles. I know this, yet I can't help but want for more. Maybe it is selfish of me, what I feel like I have the potential for more. As much as I like working for the university and occasionally doing an assignment for the local paper, I feel like I should be doing more with my work. Many mornings, as I look in the mirror I feel like selling off most of my gear except for one camera and a few essential lenses (the primes, of course!) and throwing myself into a project, without knowing that I will be published. I feel like finding a story to tell, whether it is here in Abilene or a thousand miles away, and telling it through my eyes and the eye of my camera. I find the camera to be an amazing tool and photography to be an almost intoxicating act, a way for me to transfer what I see around me to a sensor or a piece of film that can be printed or displayed on the web for others to see. Often just the act of photographing something or someone, of thinking and looking through the viewfinder is satisfying in and of itself regardless of the outcome. I enjoy the basic thrill of this, it still has the capacity to excite me and I hope over the years it always will. The problem arises when I feel that so often I get used to shooting for others, trying to see things how they want to see it that I lose sight of my own vision.
This past weekend I really tried to combine the two on a couple of assignments for the university. I tried to include my own style more into the photographs that I turned in, yet I kept in mind the goals and needs of my employer at the time. I think the photos worked out much better, I even received a compliment on my work and how I shot those two events from my employer. On the one hand the photos aren't drastically different than any other events I have shot, but on the other I tried to include (or exclude) little details that intrigued me and to frame things the way I felt they should be framed a little more. In this way I felt like I was finding my own vision again. I konw I have a way of seeing that I can share with others and that I can share things that will enlighten people and help those in need. Regardless of where my life takes my family and I, I hope I can remain true to myself and my vision, whatever that is.